Help Needed

Word processing processor needed. Must have knowledge of [insert name, version, platform of word-processing program].

This is unofficially a temporary job, or the ad writer assumes you are a slow learner. The company can't afford to invest the few hours needed to get you up and running with a word-processing package unfamiliar to you. Out-of-work keypunch operators: Don't even think of applying!

Women and minorities urged to apply.

I'm thinking of changing my name. At least I'll get an interview, at which time I'll apply persuasive skills learned while a member of the high school wrestling team. (I've often argued to Boston types that those of us living in Western Massachusetts are as economically disadvantaged as women and minorities elsewhere, but the usual response is that the person seems to recall having visited the Worcester area and doesn't remember it being any worse than one had a right to expect! Where again did you say Franklin County was? Never mind.)

Must be aggressive self-starter.

Suggests

1. the writer saw it elsewhere and was too busy to come up with something better;
2. the writer is not skilled at interviewing and is afraid of being fooled into hiring
   1. a love struck teenager
   2. a heavy drinker
   3. the boss's brother-in-law or
   4. a brain-dead zombie; or
3. (the worst of all possibilities) the boss intends to run me so ragged I can expect to be burned out or hospitalized with ulcers or cardiac arrest in the next five months.

   Don't call me; my application is in the mail!

Must have experience doing [insert list of tasks].

The challenge to go on doing what I've been doing is more than I can bear. Think I'll pass.

Career opportunity!

Low pay but room to grow. (Better start that victory garden if you like to eat!)

Challenging position!

Low pay but lots of hard work. (Think I'll take the Pepsi challenge!)

Help save the [insert appropriate subject: environment, planet, air, water, whales, etc.].

Low pay and good deeds -- a match made in heaven. (Could be a good long-term investment.)

Easy work, high pay!

This is a scam. Hold onto your wallet!

Call our 800-number for free message.

Hold onto your credit card!

Hard work, little pay.

Your search is ended, Diogenes.

The successful candidate will possess [insert lengthy list of educational degrees, skills, expenence, etc.].

Low pay but impressive title (e.g., Director of...). If lucky, you'll get all the campus vacations.

State salary requirements.

Ask for $17,250,000, then negotiate. Offer to split the difference with any counteroffer.

Beautiful employee cafeteria.

The office is thirty miles from town.

Our company is a growth leader.

Translation: "You've never heard of us, but we're growing exponentially--last year we grossed a thousand dollars; this year we expect to gross two thousand, next year four thousand...."

Profit sharing.

The "if' word is profit.

Address response to Department J, [insert name of newspaper].

Dear Department J, You show me yours and I'll show you mine. Sincerely, Box 475.

Exotic dancers wanted.

Longest running ad in Springfield. We're looking at a growth industry! (Or else no one can survive the old grind for more than a week.) I'm afraid that changing my name won't help. Sorry!